last thoughts
by flaming phoenix of pride
Summary: On the tower of doom. Built by crazies. I feel my eyes getting wide in realization. Facing a whole spankin’ new apocalypse. I get it. I totally get it.


I stand there silent for about a whole second. It seems like an infinity really. The wind rushing through my ears, my hair, tousling my thoughts. I guess I shouldn't be surprised. Right? Blood. Always blood. Blood that flowed through Dawn. That flowed through me. Death is my gift. Gotta love the cryptic-ness of the spirit guide. I mean, couldn't be any more clearer. Guess not, wouldn't fit in to good old ways of the slayer heritage. The shred of the plane barrier beside me is deafening, like thunder with a vendetta. I can hear the others beneath us shouting, screaming, panicking as things strait from hell invaded Sunnydale's peacefull little streets. I feel a dead laugh wanting to escape. But I have to concentrate now. I turn, blocking out everything else as I look upon my sister. The guilt in her saphire eyes is overwhelming. Her apology echoes over the roar around us. I can't truly believe it when she tries to bolt past me, my hands automatically shot out to grab her before I even realized what I'm doing. She's ready to jump. Ready to do what I warned the others I would never allow them to do. She's ready to die. When the blood stops flowing then the portal will close over and everything should return to normal. Right? I…I can't kill Dawnie. I can't allow Dawnie to kill herself. Mom would…Mom aint here right now though. No, she's my sister, I would never let anything happen to her. Another rip of a barrier, and a screaming roar tries to deafen us… is that a dragon? No concentrate. She's still there trying to get me to let her jump. Like that's gonna happen. Her tears are painful to watch. She blames herself doesn't she? I can see it in those electric blue eyes of hers. I just need a few seconds to thi…Blood. I can't stop my gaze as it falls upon her, but I know she knows I'm lost in thought, she stopped talking, so she must.

_It's always got to be blood. _

_Summer's blood_. _It's just like mine. _

_She's me. The monks made her out of me. _

_Death is your gift . _

I suddenly realize what it all means. Death is my gift, Dawn is a part of me… I know what I have to do. I guess that's what spirit guide meant all along. I'm full of love and I have death to give as a gift. Way to go me. But I get it now. On the tower of doom. Built by crazies. I feel my eyes getting wide in realization. Facing a whole spankin' new apocalypse. I get it. I totally get it. I shift around, turning away from Dawnie's questioning eyes, to look out over Sunndydale's sleeping houses. Will she understand? Will she get it like I do? The sky is on fire with a new sun now. I can see it rise over the massive blue energy portal that screams and crackles beneath us, opening portals left right and centre. Well I haven't seen a portal at the centre yet, but I has to be coming. It's really beautiful. The sun that is. I never took the time to appreciate it. She's been my ally against the vamps since… forever. And know I'll never have the time to appreciate it. So a few more seconds wont hurt. I feel myself turn back to her, and the minute our eyes met, she knows. I don't have to utter a word and she knows that I'm about to pull a major Buffy-saves-the-world. She'll hate me for it later. I know she will, but she'll understand, eventually. Giles will tell her that I had to do it. That it's… was my job. He'll manage to convince her in his Gilesy manner of twisting words to make them sound all comforting. My hands are on her arms now, holding her tight, making her listen to me. I know that the others are going to take care of her. But she's me like me in the end and I know that kind words wont cut it. So I tell her what I would want to be told. By the end she sobs soundlessly. My heart is being ripped out but I know that it's for the best. Anyway, it wont be beating for long, the pain is gonna stop soon. So I put on a brave face. Tough little soldier façade that I'm so good at. Her hair is soft beneath my fingers as I pull it back. She really should wear pins to keep it in place. That thought almost breaks my resolve, and I can't stop my lips from quivering lightly as I kiss her cheek. I wait till she opens her eyes, I want her to see that I'm not scared. That I don't think that this is her fault. It really isn't. I try to smile, you know give her some little image that she can remember me by, but I can't get one to form completely. It'll have to do. The portal's been open too long. So I turn from her and I'm glad that she doesn't call out to me. Doesn't break down and beg me to stay. That's my girl. She's gonna be just fine. I run. Step over the hole in the grate and jump. I'm in the air only for a second, but I can feel the electricity snapping around me. I can feel it wrap around me like a blanket. Then I hit and the pain in barely understandable it's so intense. Like hands trying to pull me left and right, the energy burning through my veins. My mind is completely blank for a second but that second shot by and now I can hear voices tand I want to smile.

'_What is your childhood trauma?' _Cordy

'_I'm here to violate your first born never goes over with the parents' _Riley

'_I love you, even if you're covered in slime.' _Angel

'_I'm tired of being everyone's butt monkey!' _Xander

'_A doodle, I do doodle, you too you do doodle too' _Will

'_I know that you never loved me, I know that I'm a monster, but you treat me like a man' _Spike

I'm fading. My heart is ready to stop from the pressure. When I finally feel it stop, I hear something that I know will let me rest in peace, wherever I'm gonna end up.

'_I'm mister Giles, The librarian.' _


End file.
